The hardest, toughest and sexiest pirate on Shartak. Owner and captain of the Disco Volante, a warship based at Failur's Dockyard, north-west Shartak.

You see eighty-five loaded pistols strapped and tucked about various, inappropriate parts of body, and dozens of gourds of fungi juice in his backpack. Worst of all, he reeks of sweat. Stinks of it. Weapons-grade smell. No bathtubs on the Disco Volante, you see.

[Character Disclosure Notice: The following characters are operated by the same player:=
a. Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine http://www.shartak.com/profile.cgi?id=4770
b. Ballbreaker Rockwell - http://www.shartak.com/profile.cgi?id=6891
c. Death's Pale Horse - http://www.shartak.com/profile.cgi?id=17187
d. An enormous Haast's eagle - http://www.shartak.com/profile.cgi?id=24816

Help keep the game clean by disclosing all of your characters.]

1. Achievements, And There Are Many of Them

a. First pirate to reach Rakmogak.
b. First pirate to kill a cannibal.
c. Spiritual leader of the now defunct Pirate High Command.
d. Established the Corsair Boulevard, the road running between Dalpok and the shipwreck.
e. Founder of the defunct 1st Imperial Mercenary Regiment: founder of the Secret Society of Supervillains.
f. Helmsman of the now defunct Brotherhood of the Coast.
g. Seaman of the now defunct Jolly Roger Crew.
h. Murderer of decent honest folk, especially Yorkers, for historical reasons which no longer mean anything to anyone. Has murdered more Yorkers in their sleep than any other living pirate.
i. Killed more cannibals than any other living pirate.
j. Sold Dalpok (aka New Amsterdam) to Maevar Ralnick in '07 for 50 gold coins and 11 gems. Silly man.
k. Established the First Imperial Bank in '07, an elaborate criminal scheme by which hundreds of islanders were defrauded of thousands of gold coins, promptly spent on rum and nubile native women.

2. Testimonials* of Women Who Have Been Overwhelmed by the Benzoylmethylecgonine Charm**

a. "Never have I seen a wooden club so big! I just love it when he searches for fungi in the cave system! His manly fingers never miss a mushroom!" - Janet Grey, dead First Consul of the Eastern Federation and Leader of the Derby Hospitallers

b. "I'll stitch and suture his weeping wounds any day of the week! Yum!" - Dr Aisha al-Khalifa, dead leader of the Healers of Shartak

c. "The man sure can blow a conch shell. He doesn't stop to draw a breath!" - MonaLiza, deceased Queen of the Royal Court of Greater Raktam

d. "Is that a parrot on his shoulder or is he just pleased to see me?" - Elizabeth Bathory, dead York psychotic and follower of Ethir Wrathwrain.

e. "No one can search for a heavy sword in a swamp like Admiral Benzoylmethyl. He can wade knee deep through my delta any time!" - Lexus, dead Leader of the Colonial Police, York (and who would be very upset if she read that)

f. "I am not a woman!" - Dian Cecht, uptight pirate with a girly girly girl's name.




*Testimonials might not be strictly accurate.
** Patent pending.

Ode to the Colonial Police (27 May '11)

At The Hanged Misfit Pub, Derby:

Katie Calhoun says �I just brewed up all that yeastweed you gave me Captain Low. Wine should be coming soon.”

FirstAmongstDaves kicks in the door with a boot sloshing with sea water. A small fish jumps out of his boot and flutters on the stone floor.
FirstAmongstDaves says “Versuvius Low! Hef! Comrades! I belch in salute!”
FirstAmongstDaves belches 21 times, each sounding progressively like a cannon. He punches both men in the arm, very hard.
FirstAmongstDaves says “Come, join me on the piano in a sing-a-long!”
FirstAmongstDaves sits in front of the piano, flicks his cape out, and leans back smiling, fingers on the keys.
FirstAmongstDaves says “Oh, twas on the Good Ship Venus. By Christ you should have seen us! The figurehead was a in bed! And the mast was a raging penis!”
FirstAmongstDaves stops, and blinks. "What, too raunchy? Let me instead compose a song in honour of our fair island."
FirstAmongstDaves tinkles a few keys and hums to get in tune.
FirstAmongstDaves says “just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started in old Yorkietown, about a tiny ship.”
FirstAmongstDaves says “The mate was a mighty sailor man, the skipper fond of grease, both men brought up in the traditions of the proud Colonial Police”
FirstAmongstDaves says “So there was Aphetto Kabul, The Hanged Man too, V2Blast, and Twist. the movie star, the professor and Maryanne! (well maybe not them.)”
FirstAmongstDaves says “A pirate ship bore down on them, the crew a scurvy lot! Their morality and hygiene was akin to a blood clot!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “What could the poor crew of brave Yorksmen do! Oooh ohh ooh!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “Well, they... could... die! With a sword in the guts, in their burnings huts, with a pike in the head, til they're dead dead dead, with a pistol shot, or a poker so hot!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “Or a harpooned chest, that is best, yes yes! Kill them quick, kill them slow, in the boats, boys, row row!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “Don't let them get a-waaaaay! Hack, chop, shoot and slay!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “So, we killed those Yorkies one by one, for the Colonial Police had done us wrong, they thought we were cads, and very bad, they didn't knwo the truth by half, so very daft!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “And that is the story of why pirates hate York. No more singing! Um. York rhymes with fork!”
FirstAmongstDaves stands up, bows, and slides to the bar for a drink.

Katie Calhoun sniffs the air and smiles. "Well now, it seems some of the wine is done. Love that unmistakable aroma of tasty berry wine.
Katie Calhoun sits a bottle of wine in front of FristAmongstDaves. "Great song that. You do have a gift."



**

Grand Theft Sled, Christmas 2015

Chilly The Elf WhoCannotLove says “Why do you hate Santa's elves mouse? Did they abduct you and do weird experiments on you? Like space aliens do?” (2015-12-17 18:15)
TheDreadThespian burt reynolds says “AHAH!! I've been tracking you for days you red-suited Satan! I want my Trans-Am! Seven heavy swords and a Trans-Am! And a P-Diddy type partying Yaht! And Yasmine Bleeth! I'm gonna hit that hard!” (2015-12-17 18:34)
TheDreadThespian burt reynolds says “Cough it up Notorious Ho Ho Ho!” (2015-12-17 18:37)
TheDreadThespian burt reynolds watches as Santa opens bag and hands him 30 gold coins and 30 rifle bullets. (2015-12-17 18:39)
TheDreadThespian burt reynolds says “My inventory is at 128! Santa's bending the laws of physics!” (2015-12-17 18:40)
Shroombaker says “Burt! Santa gave me a blow-up doll of Loni Anderson! haha Jealous?” (2015-12-17 23:14)
mouse says “Chilly, I'm just trying to get me a bronze elf badge.” (2015-12-18 00:26)
The chief elf kills mouse (2015-12-18 00:26)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Chilly... shhhh. ” (2015-12-18 00:50)
TheDreadThespian burt reynolds says “A blow-up Loni Anderson doll?! Shroombaker, that's mine! Hand it over! Believe me, it's a lot better than the real thing. ” (2015-12-18 00:51)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine kills Chilly The Elf WhoCannotLove with a punch. (2015-12-18 00:53)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Much better. Now we can hear ourselves think.” (2015-12-18 00:53)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Satan Claws and his Dark Elves. They come to the island and they leave. But what of the rest of us?” (2015-12-18 00:58)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “When have any of us been offered a ride? I have been stranded on this island for close to a decade. Ten, stinky years of sand, sweat and empty rum bottles.” (2015-12-18 01:01)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine starts acting very strangely. (2015-12-18 01:01)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “You know Admiral dip shit? I get that you not that smart. I really get it. But believe me. That is the stupidest thing you have done in quite a while. ” (2015-12-18 01:01)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “I have eaten so many deer, berries and pumpkins I could easily be mistaken for a paleo thickshake.” (2015-12-18 01:02)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine swats his hand about. "Ah, pesky dead elf. Whatever. Go and build a gingerbread house." (2015-12-18 01:03)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine starts acting very strangely. (2015-12-18 01:05)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Whoever kills this idiot gets TWO heavy swords!! I swaer it! My word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (2015-12-18 01:05)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine pulls a knife and grabs Santa by the beard. He holds it to Santa's throat. "You! Give me the keys to that sled! No funny business with the sack! Elves, back off! (2015-12-18 01:05)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Or the fat prick in the crimson body stocking gets it! ” (2015-12-18 01:06)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Does anyne have some dead elf spary? Got a mosquito problem here. Dead elf is buzzing my ears. ” (2015-12-18 01:09)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine presses the knife dead into Santa's throat. "Alright everyone. Be cool like Fonzie. I'm just going to take this wanker's sled and leave the island. I swear, I'll come back for you... " (2015-12-18 01:13)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “...well, some of you." Benzolmethylecgonine reaches into Santa's pocket. "Aha! Not just the North Pole you have in there!"” (2015-12-18 01:14)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine lifts some keys out of Santa's pocket. They, naturally, jingle. (2015-12-18 01:14)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine starts acting very strangely. (2015-12-18 01:16)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine scratches out what was carved on the wall. (2015-12-18 01:16)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine makes a few practice scratches on the wall. (2015-12-18 01:16)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “OK. Ice cold everyone, ice cold." Benzoylmethylecgonine shoves the fat man our of his chair. Santa plummets forward and lands on Leaky Bocks.” (2015-12-18 01:16)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine lifts the keys in triumph. "So long, suckers!" (2015-12-18 01:16)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine starts acting very strangely. (2015-12-18 01:17)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “TWO HEAVY SWORDS! Seriously, this guy is an utter moron! He's no threat to you! Two HEAVY swords! Will not someone take out this bragging tranny? ” (2015-12-18 01:17)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine sprints for the door and is gone. You hear the sound of someone clambering onto the roof. (2015-12-18 01:17)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2015-12-18 01:18)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Where the fuck is the handbrake on this thing! Ah, right!"” (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you, and lose 4 HP from fear. (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2015-12-18 01:18)
You hear a banshee wail coming from all around you. (2015-12-18 01:18)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “/e puts his foot on the accelerator and shoots off into the sky.” (2015-12-18 01:18)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine starts acting very strangely. (2015-12-18 01:18)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “TWO HEAVY SWORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (2015-12-18 01:18)
Admiral Benzoylmethylecgonine says “Ho fucking ho! MErry Christmas! Especially you, Chilly!” (2015-12-18 01:19)
Comte de Saint-Germain says “C'est le ton qui fait la chanson. ” (2015-12-18 01:27)